time went by.
i got hurt.
whose fault is it ?
everyone ?
most ppl said its not my fault.
but still ....
i am still wrong on some parts.
i will learn those little wrong parts of mine
improvements are the most important after all.
its gonna be hard to find someone that i love so much.
but i will try my best.
if i cant find it ,
i'll need to make a crucial decision.
might give up and focus on something else in life,
maybe i'll take PHD and dedicate my life in research to improve everyone's life in this world
for now,
pain is part of me . . . . .
it has been part of me for a long time .
hopefully time can make me feel better ,
from my experience .........
its gonna take a long long time .
i will survive ,
and i wanna get 10 times better after going through this period
i hope i will be able to love someone that much again
even more if its possible
but . . . . . . .
with very limited possibility
one thing i dont like ,
is that i roughly know what's gonna happen to me.
one thing i hate even more ,
i only get something i want ,
when i think that i doesn't matter whether i have it or not .
i am always hungry ,
hungry for improvements ,
hungry to be better ,
and it drives ppl away ,
cause it makes ppl stressful.
anyway ,
just another thing i need to learn.
hope i will turn out good.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Love
I'm right here now at the airport, gonna go back to my home soon.
It has been the worst journey in mylife. And I made my lover to stay further away from me now.
I'm great when it comes to sacrifice and work hard for my lover. But I'm worst when comes to other things like understanding and listening to her. It doesn't happen all the time, but that some times is enough to destroy everything.
We a very happy couple together . First time we broke up we got back together , but this time i tried to let things go well again, but only to make it worst which drives her closer to another guy and further away from me. I regret everthing, I worked hard for months for the ticket but only to make things worst.
We both make mistakes. But had the greatest time ever. Among so many people around you, there's only one that you really love . Imagine if that person feels the same towards you and love you so much as well. That's why I consider her as a fated lover which will bring great happiness.
Everyone is growing and learning to be a better at relationship. We're both not good enough at relationship yet, so we broke up. Does it mean that we can't have the great love again ?
We should give up and look forward. Grow up and enjoy life, study good now.
What if one day, you had many relationships, but none of them come close to the happiness with this special person you once had ?
Would you settle down ? Or would you keep looking ?
Would you search for this person which once makes you so happy, and ask if she feels the same way ?
Getting up from a fall like this is not easy. I have to learn more about relationships.
I hope I can be very happy like I did with her one day. I doubt if I can do it with someone else, but I will try and see.
Good luck to everyone who reads this blog. hope everyone can find and success in relationships with your special one, and that special one's special one is also you.
It has been the worst journey in mylife. And I made my lover to stay further away from me now.
I'm great when it comes to sacrifice and work hard for my lover. But I'm worst when comes to other things like understanding and listening to her. It doesn't happen all the time, but that some times is enough to destroy everything.
We a very happy couple together . First time we broke up we got back together , but this time i tried to let things go well again, but only to make it worst which drives her closer to another guy and further away from me. I regret everthing, I worked hard for months for the ticket but only to make things worst.
We both make mistakes. But had the greatest time ever. Among so many people around you, there's only one that you really love . Imagine if that person feels the same towards you and love you so much as well. That's why I consider her as a fated lover which will bring great happiness.
Everyone is growing and learning to be a better at relationship. We're both not good enough at relationship yet, so we broke up. Does it mean that we can't have the great love again ?
We should give up and look forward. Grow up and enjoy life, study good now.
What if one day, you had many relationships, but none of them come close to the happiness with this special person you once had ?
Would you settle down ? Or would you keep looking ?
Would you search for this person which once makes you so happy, and ask if she feels the same way ?
Getting up from a fall like this is not easy. I have to learn more about relationships.
I hope I can be very happy like I did with her one day. I doubt if I can do it with someone else, but I will try and see.
Good luck to everyone who reads this blog. hope everyone can find and success in relationships with your special one, and that special one's special one is also you.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Reunion
Its been almost 4 months didn't meet her. I was siting down and thinking. Many things has happened.
She wanted to slowly fix all her problem, however we had a fight due to a small issue. and I spoiled her plans. She made a small lie and I made it into a big issue. I wanted her to let me know what she doing that time and she lied to me as she wanted to do it alone without me. I wanted to care for her things, but I cared for the wrong thing at the same time.
How can I turn this around ? Like everytime, I not worried about our love, cause we definitely love each other. She won't make the first move, so I will have to make it, I'm the guy after all.
My mind is too clouded by the fact that she is too close to a guy, and she haven't fix things yet with others. Only I can make up her mind that I'm the one for her. Only if I can control myself and communicate well with her, I'm sure things will turn out great. Then she will start to care for my feelings , then i can share with her and she will understand good and won't do the same thing to me again.
But right now, talking nicely to her will be a great challenge. As my mind is clouded by her probems. She needs my support more than anything else, but I only make her feel unhappy. I'm always rushing to fix her problem. I need to stay calm and do things slowly and nicely. She needs some comfort, I should cheer her first then move to the point. She can't take stress, so i need to do it nice and slow.
She wanted to slowly fix all her problem, however we had a fight due to a small issue. and I spoiled her plans. She made a small lie and I made it into a big issue. I wanted her to let me know what she doing that time and she lied to me as she wanted to do it alone without me. I wanted to care for her things, but I cared for the wrong thing at the same time.
How can I turn this around ? Like everytime, I not worried about our love, cause we definitely love each other. She won't make the first move, so I will have to make it, I'm the guy after all.
My mind is too clouded by the fact that she is too close to a guy, and she haven't fix things yet with others. Only I can make up her mind that I'm the one for her. Only if I can control myself and communicate well with her, I'm sure things will turn out great. Then she will start to care for my feelings , then i can share with her and she will understand good and won't do the same thing to me again.
But right now, talking nicely to her will be a great challenge. As my mind is clouded by her probems. She needs my support more than anything else, but I only make her feel unhappy. I'm always rushing to fix her problem. I need to stay calm and do things slowly and nicely. She needs some comfort, I should cheer her first then move to the point. She can't take stress, so i need to do it nice and slow.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Can't make the decision
It's been a long time. I kinda forget how it feels to be happy already. Kinda getting used to this feeling now, cause chances are I won't be able to be happy for at least some years. Things get hard and complicated.
My partner can't make up her mind what to do and what she wants. This leaves everyone hanging around, waiting for her to make up her mind, waiting for her to do the right thing. Meanwhile, I'll be like who I am now, hanging around. Can't fall down, and can go up. Waiting for the decision to what's gonna happen next.
She can't accept the fact that someone will get hurt, she try so hard to make everyone happy but only to fail miserably. To her, making everyone happy is the most important, at least she think everyone was happy. Trying not to be too straight forward so that everyone is happy. In the end, only to hurt everyone around her. By trying not to hurt people, she wasted every one's time and told a lot of lies which causes more problems. She didn't realise that doing it straight forward is the best solution, but she is stubborn to listen to others.
How do you face your problem ? You have someone who you love, but she can't do the right thing. Can't be together with you nicely. She loves you. But has so many problems that she can't fix. You wanted to help, but she is stubborn to let you help. She may make things worst and you can't do anything. And she's not telling you what's going on. But she loves you. It makes you to go crazy thinking and worrying. And she won't understand what to do. Wanted to make people feel better but doing the exact opposite.
In the end, I realise I shouldn't try to help her or stop her. I have to accept this now and be strong to do my own things. It's gonna be very diffucult as a big part of my mind is always thinking of her., and she can't ease my mind. It's her growing up process, although it's unusual for her to be like this at her age. I wished that she can grow up as my partner all the time, but she just can't do it. I'll need to be strong to go through this for some years, hopefully she gets matue sooner and I won't have so much worry anymore.
Good luck to her , good luck to myself.
My partner can't make up her mind what to do and what she wants. This leaves everyone hanging around, waiting for her to make up her mind, waiting for her to do the right thing. Meanwhile, I'll be like who I am now, hanging around. Can't fall down, and can go up. Waiting for the decision to what's gonna happen next.
She can't accept the fact that someone will get hurt, she try so hard to make everyone happy but only to fail miserably. To her, making everyone happy is the most important, at least she think everyone was happy. Trying not to be too straight forward so that everyone is happy. In the end, only to hurt everyone around her. By trying not to hurt people, she wasted every one's time and told a lot of lies which causes more problems. She didn't realise that doing it straight forward is the best solution, but she is stubborn to listen to others.
How do you face your problem ? You have someone who you love, but she can't do the right thing. Can't be together with you nicely. She loves you. But has so many problems that she can't fix. You wanted to help, but she is stubborn to let you help. She may make things worst and you can't do anything. And she's not telling you what's going on. But she loves you. It makes you to go crazy thinking and worrying. And she won't understand what to do. Wanted to make people feel better but doing the exact opposite.
In the end, I realise I shouldn't try to help her or stop her. I have to accept this now and be strong to do my own things. It's gonna be very diffucult as a big part of my mind is always thinking of her., and she can't ease my mind. It's her growing up process, although it's unusual for her to be like this at her age. I wished that she can grow up as my partner all the time, but she just can't do it. I'll need to be strong to go through this for some years, hopefully she gets matue sooner and I won't have so much worry anymore.
Good luck to her , good luck to myself.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
holiday, there is no difference
Holiday is here for me. Some how i always have no feeling on holiday. To me , life goes on, holiday or no holiday.
Last time, i would think holiday makes no difference. Holiday usually come after exam, and people are happy cause they can finally relax after studying non stop for awhile. Last time there is no difference for me cause I'm not the type that study last minute. I still go out, have fun around the day before exam. But now, I got some problem on relationship. Other things seems not so important anymore, I'm still a sad soul. So, exam or no exam , it doesn't make me feel any better. And I'm not as good as i used to be on study, my focus is more on my relationship now.
Anyway, things won't be too happy for next 2 years for me. I'll have to learn to live with it, while my partner and I both learn and grow more mature separately. My first plan was we be together while we learn and grow up, loving each other all the time. But things happened, hard to be together with distance.
Things just get harder in life. The moment u get successful at something, the moment something harder happens. U just have to be strong to face them all. Right now, my exam is over. I need to get my study back and understand all those things that i should know before continue my next semester away from home. I also need to fix myself at the gym, to get a good instructor status at the gym and burn off my fats. Its not gonna be easy, but I'll make it.
In the end, i only realise, whatever i do, she is always in my mind. It took out a lot of my concentration on other things, that's why i deteriorate on other things. So that's why, i need to be extra strong to be good at my life as well while loving her. After so many years, i finally understand. Its not easy to love someone. Unless you don't really love that person, it won't be easy. But still I love her so much.
I must stand up and make my life right again.
Love her is something i will always do,
I'll stand up with her in my mind,
I'll be stronger than I ever been.
I love you Chris.
Last time, i would think holiday makes no difference. Holiday usually come after exam, and people are happy cause they can finally relax after studying non stop for awhile. Last time there is no difference for me cause I'm not the type that study last minute. I still go out, have fun around the day before exam. But now, I got some problem on relationship. Other things seems not so important anymore, I'm still a sad soul. So, exam or no exam , it doesn't make me feel any better. And I'm not as good as i used to be on study, my focus is more on my relationship now.
Anyway, things won't be too happy for next 2 years for me. I'll have to learn to live with it, while my partner and I both learn and grow more mature separately. My first plan was we be together while we learn and grow up, loving each other all the time. But things happened, hard to be together with distance.
Things just get harder in life. The moment u get successful at something, the moment something harder happens. U just have to be strong to face them all. Right now, my exam is over. I need to get my study back and understand all those things that i should know before continue my next semester away from home. I also need to fix myself at the gym, to get a good instructor status at the gym and burn off my fats. Its not gonna be easy, but I'll make it.
In the end, i only realise, whatever i do, she is always in my mind. It took out a lot of my concentration on other things, that's why i deteriorate on other things. So that's why, i need to be extra strong to be good at my life as well while loving her. After so many years, i finally understand. Its not easy to love someone. Unless you don't really love that person, it won't be easy. But still I love her so much.
I must stand up and make my life right again.
Love her is something i will always do,
I'll stand up with her in my mind,
I'll be stronger than I ever been.
I love you Chris.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Rise from ur own mistakes.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He was a very naughty boy and he never listen to anything his parents say. As a young kid, he would steal money from parents, causing hurt to people around him and causing pain to his family. He always lie to people around, hurt their feelings. His friends trusted him, but he end up betraying them or hurting them. His family is poor, they worked so hard for the money but it ends up being stoled by him.
As he grow up, no one actually teach him his mistakes. Deep inside his heart, he wasn't realy sure what he did is wrong. To his point of view, my friends trusted me and it's ok for me to tell some small lies here and there. Its ok i do something bad to them , as long as they don't know and they think i'm doing something good for them. Instead, people around him think he is a good guy with lots of friends.
One day, a good friend of his ask him to join him to go for badminton on Saturday. He thinks badminton is not bad, so he went with him. He finds himself enjoying there. Soon after that, they got very close together playing badminton and they would play on every Saturday and Sunday. They have talked about joining tournaments together and hopefully they will win something good. They practically became inseparable and best friends for each other.
One day , his friend needs to go for oversea to work for a month. So they say good bye to each other and promise will join tournament and play together again very soon. After the guy leave, another friend asked him to play tennis. He feels that he should give it a try on tennis, so he agreed and went on to try tennis. Immediately , he found that tennis is much more interesting than badminton. So for every weekend, he plays tennis with this new best friend and he found himself enjoying tennis way more than badminton. He played tennis every weekend until his friend came back from oversea.
After his friend came back, he asked him for badminton on weekend. He feels bad that he needs to abandon his old friend on badminton cause he likes tennis more than badminton. He told him he wasn't feeling well, and went to play tennis with his new friend. This went on for awhile, he would give excuses and play tennis instead. Every weekend, the badminton friend would hope he can play with him, but only to get disappointed every time. This guy would make an excuse and go play tennis instead.
This went on for awhile until the day of the badminton tournament is almost arriving. The badminton friend called up,
Him
" Hey pal, we seldom played badminton already. The tournament is coming up. Lets go join this tournament and win something good."
He
"That day ? Errmm, i think i have something on my office that day."
Him
" Oh common, its just 2 days . U can take a leave anytime "
He
" Well, I'll see what i can do"
Him
" Alright , wait for your good news pal"
The day of the tournament approaches, the badminton friend try to call but he refuses to answer as he prefer to play tennis now. He got unhappy with that.
Later on , everything leaks out that he has been playing tennis for a long time already.
The badminton friend approaches his and ask,
Him
"U have been playing tennis a long time, why didn't u let me know "
He
"......I'm sorry, i like badminton actually"
Him
"But u didn't came every time i called and we missed the tournament "
He
"I think i prefer tennis more. Sorry pal."
Him
"I wanted to be good at badminton. I thought u can be my badminton partner and i can play in a big tournament and win something good. If u told me earlier u don't like badminton anymore, then i would waste my time , getting disappointed every weekend , and miss my chance at this tournament. How could u wasted my time like this ?"
He
"I'm sorry pal. I'm not interested in it. Take care and enjoy badminton."
He wanted to be good to his badminton friend. He feels very sad about what he did to his old friend. He was hoping to make him feel better , but only to make him feel worst. Eventually, he abandon tennis as well cause every time he plays tennis , he would think of of his old friend.
His good tennis friend realise this issue, and came to talk to him.
Him
"Look i understand u feel bad now, I heard u abandoned badminton, do u want to talk about it ? "
He
".........."
Him
"U seem really down by this. He was your good friend after all. But please never forget. Everyone makes mistakes. I know its shameful to make mistake like this at your age. Everyone has mistakes which a young child would do. What has happened has happened. U can't reverse the thing u have done. Making your self feel bad, stop playing tennis, won't make anything better. It will only make yourself feel worst. What u can do now, is never make that mistake ever again. Let this be a good lesson for yourself. Instead of making mistake, why not try do some good things ? "
He
" Yeah. It happened a few times. I don't wanna repeat my mistake again. But how do i do good things ?"
Him
"Well, there are many ways. But the best one i can think of, is cherish things around you and do what u like to do now. Learn from your mistake , and move on for a better life. We always learn something as long as we live."
He
" Yeah , I need to do that. "
Him
"Ok , that's good for you. I understand u feel bad now on tennis cause what had happened. U have to lie to play tennis and it feels bad as well. Don't worry, from now on, u can play tennis without any worry. So, do u still like tennis ? "
He
" Yeah"
Him
" So......... wanna play ? Its Sunday after all . "
As he grow up, no one actually teach him his mistakes. Deep inside his heart, he wasn't realy sure what he did is wrong. To his point of view, my friends trusted me and it's ok for me to tell some small lies here and there. Its ok i do something bad to them , as long as they don't know and they think i'm doing something good for them. Instead, people around him think he is a good guy with lots of friends.
One day, a good friend of his ask him to join him to go for badminton on Saturday. He thinks badminton is not bad, so he went with him. He finds himself enjoying there. Soon after that, they got very close together playing badminton and they would play on every Saturday and Sunday. They have talked about joining tournaments together and hopefully they will win something good. They practically became inseparable and best friends for each other.
One day , his friend needs to go for oversea to work for a month. So they say good bye to each other and promise will join tournament and play together again very soon. After the guy leave, another friend asked him to play tennis. He feels that he should give it a try on tennis, so he agreed and went on to try tennis. Immediately , he found that tennis is much more interesting than badminton. So for every weekend, he plays tennis with this new best friend and he found himself enjoying tennis way more than badminton. He played tennis every weekend until his friend came back from oversea.
After his friend came back, he asked him for badminton on weekend. He feels bad that he needs to abandon his old friend on badminton cause he likes tennis more than badminton. He told him he wasn't feeling well, and went to play tennis with his new friend. This went on for awhile, he would give excuses and play tennis instead. Every weekend, the badminton friend would hope he can play with him, but only to get disappointed every time. This guy would make an excuse and go play tennis instead.
This went on for awhile until the day of the badminton tournament is almost arriving. The badminton friend called up,
Him
" Hey pal, we seldom played badminton already. The tournament is coming up. Lets go join this tournament and win something good."
He
"That day ? Errmm, i think i have something on my office that day."
Him
" Oh common, its just 2 days . U can take a leave anytime "
He
" Well, I'll see what i can do"
Him
" Alright , wait for your good news pal"
The day of the tournament approaches, the badminton friend try to call but he refuses to answer as he prefer to play tennis now. He got unhappy with that.
Later on , everything leaks out that he has been playing tennis for a long time already.
The badminton friend approaches his and ask,
Him
"U have been playing tennis a long time, why didn't u let me know "
He
"......I'm sorry, i like badminton actually"
Him
"But u didn't came every time i called and we missed the tournament "
He
"I think i prefer tennis more. Sorry pal."
Him
"I wanted to be good at badminton. I thought u can be my badminton partner and i can play in a big tournament and win something good. If u told me earlier u don't like badminton anymore, then i would waste my time , getting disappointed every weekend , and miss my chance at this tournament. How could u wasted my time like this ?"
He
"I'm sorry pal. I'm not interested in it. Take care and enjoy badminton."
He wanted to be good to his badminton friend. He feels very sad about what he did to his old friend. He was hoping to make him feel better , but only to make him feel worst. Eventually, he abandon tennis as well cause every time he plays tennis , he would think of of his old friend.
His good tennis friend realise this issue, and came to talk to him.
Him
"Look i understand u feel bad now, I heard u abandoned badminton, do u want to talk about it ? "
He
".........."
Him
"U seem really down by this. He was your good friend after all. But please never forget. Everyone makes mistakes. I know its shameful to make mistake like this at your age. Everyone has mistakes which a young child would do. What has happened has happened. U can't reverse the thing u have done. Making your self feel bad, stop playing tennis, won't make anything better. It will only make yourself feel worst. What u can do now, is never make that mistake ever again. Let this be a good lesson for yourself. Instead of making mistake, why not try do some good things ? "
He
" Yeah. It happened a few times. I don't wanna repeat my mistake again. But how do i do good things ?"
Him
"Well, there are many ways. But the best one i can think of, is cherish things around you and do what u like to do now. Learn from your mistake , and move on for a better life. We always learn something as long as we live."
He
" Yeah , I need to do that. "
Him
"Ok , that's good for you. I understand u feel bad now on tennis cause what had happened. U have to lie to play tennis and it feels bad as well. Don't worry, from now on, u can play tennis without any worry. So, do u still like tennis ? "
He
" Yeah"
Him
" So......... wanna play ? Its Sunday after all . "
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Who is wrong, who is right ?
Relationship could be very complicated or very simple. When two person get together, one of them will have request on the other person. For example, the guy smokes and the girl doesn't like it. The girl gamble , the guy hates it.
Consider this scenario :
A couple are together. The girl have a bad habit of drinking. She would drink once in awhile. However, if she drink, she probably get drunk and other guys around her take advantage of her. The guy feel very bad , insecure and worried about his gf. He told her he is very worried about her drinking habit , although its once in awhile. At first, the girl make up for the guy, saying she will avoid drinking. The guy still feel very insecure and not convinced by her, he keeps touching her drinking issue. The girl got stressed and unhappy with the guy, and end up drinking and got molested even more. The guy is sad. Now , anything the guy say, the girl wont listen. She became an alcoholic and the guy always worry about her.
Any ideas about this ? Does it sound familiar ? Are ur parents like the guy, and ur like the girl ?
Here is the thing.
(1)
The guy is right to talk about her bad habits. Wrong to keep saying it , which makes the girl feel he don't trust her, she got unhappy , and do it even more.
The girl is wrong for such behavior, right to change it for the guy, wrong to drink even more although the guy made her unhappy.
Wait , is it this simple ?
(2)
The girl know at her heart all the time, she got bad habit. She was a single and she didn't care. Plus, its only once in a while and not necessary get drunk. Now that she has a partner, she will change her bad habit on her own.
If she likes to behave like this now, the guy should let her change naturally. As long as he give her love, she will know what to do. He can let her know he doesn't like it, but it wont make much difference also. Might as well let her do it on her own.
New scenario :
A couple are together. The girl have a bad habit of drinking. She would drink once in awhile. However, if she drink, she probably get drunk and other guys around her take advantage of her. The guy feel very bad , insecure and worried about his gf. He let her know he doesn't like it. The girl try to change her habit. She still drink after that but wasn't completely drunk cause she remember the guy. The guy notice her improvement and love her even more. She feels good, and decided to give up drinking completely.
What is the different ? Just because the guy didn't keep touching the issue, she feel better ?
Not really.
(1) The guy feels very bad , and share his unhappiness with her. She feels the guy selfish, keep giving her unpleasant time, and got stressed. She hated the guy for his behaviour and go against what he ask her to do. She end up drinking more cause hate the guy.
(2) The guy feels very bad , let her know that he feels bad but then stop talking bout it. The girl see that the guy feel bad though he didn't talk about it, and feels bad for herself. She decided to improve.
See the difference ?
I'm glad my parents are (2). of course there are other possibilities as well.
Anyway, please become (2) everyone.
If ur at situation (1) , try apologize and give way. Its already in a bad situation, so one will have to give way for a long time before ur partner improve back. If he/she love u, it'll happen.
Consider this scenario :
A couple are together. The girl have a bad habit of drinking. She would drink once in awhile. However, if she drink, she probably get drunk and other guys around her take advantage of her. The guy feel very bad , insecure and worried about his gf. He told her he is very worried about her drinking habit , although its once in awhile. At first, the girl make up for the guy, saying she will avoid drinking. The guy still feel very insecure and not convinced by her, he keeps touching her drinking issue. The girl got stressed and unhappy with the guy, and end up drinking and got molested even more. The guy is sad. Now , anything the guy say, the girl wont listen. She became an alcoholic and the guy always worry about her.
Any ideas about this ? Does it sound familiar ? Are ur parents like the guy, and ur like the girl ?
Here is the thing.
(1)
The guy is right to talk about her bad habits. Wrong to keep saying it , which makes the girl feel he don't trust her, she got unhappy , and do it even more.
The girl is wrong for such behavior, right to change it for the guy, wrong to drink even more although the guy made her unhappy.
Wait , is it this simple ?
(2)
The girl know at her heart all the time, she got bad habit. She was a single and she didn't care. Plus, its only once in a while and not necessary get drunk. Now that she has a partner, she will change her bad habit on her own.
If she likes to behave like this now, the guy should let her change naturally. As long as he give her love, she will know what to do. He can let her know he doesn't like it, but it wont make much difference also. Might as well let her do it on her own.
New scenario :
A couple are together. The girl have a bad habit of drinking. She would drink once in awhile. However, if she drink, she probably get drunk and other guys around her take advantage of her. The guy feel very bad , insecure and worried about his gf. He let her know he doesn't like it. The girl try to change her habit. She still drink after that but wasn't completely drunk cause she remember the guy. The guy notice her improvement and love her even more. She feels good, and decided to give up drinking completely.
What is the different ? Just because the guy didn't keep touching the issue, she feel better ?
Not really.
(1) The guy feels very bad , and share his unhappiness with her. She feels the guy selfish, keep giving her unpleasant time, and got stressed. She hated the guy for his behaviour and go against what he ask her to do. She end up drinking more cause hate the guy.
(2) The guy feels very bad , let her know that he feels bad but then stop talking bout it. The girl see that the guy feel bad though he didn't talk about it, and feels bad for herself. She decided to improve.
See the difference ?
I'm glad my parents are (2). of course there are other possibilities as well.
Anyway, please become (2) everyone.
If ur at situation (1) , try apologize and give way. Its already in a bad situation, so one will have to give way for a long time before ur partner improve back. If he/she love u, it'll happen.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Pain is part of me
Its been awhile. Remember i said my life is always fighting for something ? Well, things only gets more hard for me. I just broke up recently, it was tough. She went back to study at oversea, leaving me here. It was very hard for me, same thing for her. It was ok at first, but distance relationship is tough, things didn't go well for us and broke up.
If we had broken up because that we don't love anymore, i wont feel bad and would willingly give up. But sadly, we broke up even though we still love each other alot.
We had a fight , because i found evidence she lied to me on something small, i questioned her and came to the conclusion i don't trust her on that issue, she feels very down and things just went bad. As a result, she got too close to a guy, her friend, seeking for comfort. Things get worst, i made a mistake later, she cant stand it and we broke up. In short , we are taking turns in hurting each other until she cant stand it anymore. As a result, she feels very empty after the whole thing, and now, being with some1 which she don't love, seeking for comfort. As for me, i tried to feel better by going out with some girls . I dunno how she feel now, but when i meet up with girls , i would feel very bad. The date always end up in me telling them about my sadness. I even cried once in front of a girl, which i met for the first time. Feels so pathetic.
She has a partner now, but still love me and only me, that's what she said. I really hope its true though. Could she be teling me about this cause she wants me to feel better ? There're are many possibilities. I used to think of all of them and have myself ready for anyone of them to happen. I got worn out, tired , my exam is coming, and my heart is so sad. There are s many things i dont understand. The reason we broke is so that we wont hurt each other anymore. She had had enough of distance relationship. So we broke up. She seeks company from another guy , while I'm here, not able to do anything but to face my sadness and be strong. I feel so not right. If we love each other, why not give ourselves another chance ? How can she be with someone else there, with no love , just seeking company ? Or maybe what i think is wrong ?
I'm so sick of thinking all the possibility. Now , i have to be strong and face my life , things are very tough for me now. I can do well in things, but with a sad and unfocused mind ? I'm not sure I'll be ok. It will take along time for things to sort out. I'm left with sadness now, which i somehow have to find a way to face it. Life just gets tougher for me. I'm getting tired, very tired. I wish i can retire from this struggle, but I'm just not done with it yet. at least not until i finish my studies. May these remaining two years go through fast, ease myself from pain. Let everything be answered , which i have been dieing to know the answer. Only time will tell, slow and painful. This will be my ultimate challenge in life, if i can be strong and go through this, everything onwards should be great.
If we had broken up because that we don't love anymore, i wont feel bad and would willingly give up. But sadly, we broke up even though we still love each other alot.
We had a fight , because i found evidence she lied to me on something small, i questioned her and came to the conclusion i don't trust her on that issue, she feels very down and things just went bad. As a result, she got too close to a guy, her friend, seeking for comfort. Things get worst, i made a mistake later, she cant stand it and we broke up. In short , we are taking turns in hurting each other until she cant stand it anymore. As a result, she feels very empty after the whole thing, and now, being with some1 which she don't love, seeking for comfort. As for me, i tried to feel better by going out with some girls . I dunno how she feel now, but when i meet up with girls , i would feel very bad. The date always end up in me telling them about my sadness. I even cried once in front of a girl, which i met for the first time. Feels so pathetic.
She has a partner now, but still love me and only me, that's what she said. I really hope its true though. Could she be teling me about this cause she wants me to feel better ? There're are many possibilities. I used to think of all of them and have myself ready for anyone of them to happen. I got worn out, tired , my exam is coming, and my heart is so sad. There are s many things i dont understand. The reason we broke is so that we wont hurt each other anymore. She had had enough of distance relationship. So we broke up. She seeks company from another guy , while I'm here, not able to do anything but to face my sadness and be strong. I feel so not right. If we love each other, why not give ourselves another chance ? How can she be with someone else there, with no love , just seeking company ? Or maybe what i think is wrong ?
I'm so sick of thinking all the possibility. Now , i have to be strong and face my life , things are very tough for me now. I can do well in things, but with a sad and unfocused mind ? I'm not sure I'll be ok. It will take along time for things to sort out. I'm left with sadness now, which i somehow have to find a way to face it. Life just gets tougher for me. I'm getting tired, very tired. I wish i can retire from this struggle, but I'm just not done with it yet. at least not until i finish my studies. May these remaining two years go through fast, ease myself from pain. Let everything be answered , which i have been dieing to know the answer. Only time will tell, slow and painful. This will be my ultimate challenge in life, if i can be strong and go through this, everything onwards should be great.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Loving and Learning
" Learning is an on going process and we should learn until we leave this world "
That's something which old people would advice young children to do back during those days. I for myself have always wanted to learn to be better person. It's an on going process which i hope i wont stop doing it. Reminds me of learning to be a better lover.
I'm the youngest child in my family. Both my parents are the type that always come home for dinner together , at home every night , and care for all their children. There are pros and cons being the youngest , we should all learn how to take advantage o our situation.
Being the youngest, I learned to see other people's mistake, particularly people older than me. But on the other hand, its hard for me to realise my own bad stuffs. And I i have the most influence from my family.
I'm driving a small car which my dad likes it alot. One of the tires got punctured by a nail few days ago. we changed it to the spare tire and i brought it to the workshop. Today, my dad asked me ,
Him : " Did u change back the original tire with the spare tire ? "
Me : " No. "
Him : " Why didn't u change back ? U should know that u have to change back. "
......silence for awhile cause he was angry......few seconds later....
Me : " Why should i change back ? Whats wrong with the spare tire ? "
Him : " U still ask ? U should know. "
....few seconds later.......
Him : " Some spare tires are different." ...angry
At that time i was angry , but i cant do anything cause i depend on him to live now. I know if i argue with him things will get worst. I dunno much about tires. I thought all the tires are the same. U shouldn't expect me to know things that i try for the first time. It was at night already, and i know i have to go take a look all the way down at the car park as I'm staying in a condominium. I take a look but i find that all the tires are the same, there's no difference. Then He called my phone, asked me about it and then asked me to come back up and do it tomorrow.
Through out the process, i was very angry. Feels like i have to obey him, whether right or wrong. Angry for him being inconsiderate. Its already at night , its the first time i do it and he left me alone to do it. Finally called me to go back up. I didn't bother him when i step into the house. It seems that he knows he was wrong, but couldn't control himself to do the right thing that time. But inside me, i know its cause he cares for me alot, just that not doing it the right ways in this kind of issue.
After that, I sit down , and think of myself. I had fights with my partner before, and the situation seems similar to this thing i had with my dad. Only the difference is, i play my dad's role in the quarrel with my partner. My partner was tired after working for a long time. She's often busy with her work. As for me, i always wanted to spend time with her. When she didn't manage to spend time with me, i would feel bad. I know i shouldn't take much of her time, but i just feel bad not able to talk to her for one day. When she go to some place to visit for few days, i would feel uneasy, cause i cant talk to her for few days. I would feel bad, i know i should let her go around to have fun, but i feel bad. So i end up having a fight with her many times. What is wrong with me ?
When it happens. She would feel bad and thinks that my demand on her is too much. As for me, I know I'm wrong, but at the same time i couldn't help to feel bad when i cant chat with her. I gave her stress, and she got angry with me, she didn't talk to me for awhile and didn't listen to anything i say.
Now when i look back, that's exactly what i wanted to do to my dad today after the tire issue. Only difference is i have no choice cause he's my dad and i depends on him to survive now, so i have to obey. But I'm treating my partner like this, i love her alot, but i didn't love her properly on this issue. When she's tired or travelling, I got worried about her, so i would call her many times to chat with her. I always end up talking long with her. As for her, she was busy with her work or travelling with friends, so she wont answer the phone or reply messages.
It is clear what my mistake is. When we love someone, let them spread their wings and fly. I've seen some people that have pet birds, in a bird cage. I always feel sorry for the bird, it has wings to fly, but got trapped in the cage.
.jpg)
I should let her spread their wings and fly happily.
My partner need to work and travel around for fun. My mistake was i always wanted to talk to her and know what she did everyday. This makes her feel like the bird in the cage, no freedom. At first i thought its ok for me to know how she is and what she did today. But she's busy and have many work to do. As a result, she didn't manage to speak much to me and i feel bad about it. We end up fighting and she talk even less with me. Turns out that she wanted to talk to me after long time no talk. But when she see me unhappy after long time no talk to her, we quarrel before she start telling me about her busy days or her travel experience.
There are many things in life we all need to learn. I won't stop learning everything and will continue to be a better person and lover. I learned to take care of my partner, let her spread her wings and fly. When she's tired of flying, she'll come right back for some rest and love. Come to think of it, My study have been bad lately, but i still wanted to spend time with her. Its clear that i shouldn't be like this. I should have spent more time on my studies, and talk to her on the correct time. She was doing right, while i reduced my time on other things for her which is wrong to do it now that everyone is young and studying. There's no wrong or right, but i wanted to be able to give my partner more freedom to spread her wings and fly. Not like the birds i saw that got trapped in the cage.
Spread your wings and fly my beloved.
That's something which old people would advice young children to do back during those days. I for myself have always wanted to learn to be better person. It's an on going process which i hope i wont stop doing it. Reminds me of learning to be a better lover.
I'm the youngest child in my family. Both my parents are the type that always come home for dinner together , at home every night , and care for all their children. There are pros and cons being the youngest , we should all learn how to take advantage o our situation.
Being the youngest, I learned to see other people's mistake, particularly people older than me. But on the other hand, its hard for me to realise my own bad stuffs. And I i have the most influence from my family.
I'm driving a small car which my dad likes it alot. One of the tires got punctured by a nail few days ago. we changed it to the spare tire and i brought it to the workshop. Today, my dad asked me ,
Him : " Did u change back the original tire with the spare tire ? "
Me : " No. "
Him : " Why didn't u change back ? U should know that u have to change back. "
......silence for awhile cause he was angry......few seconds later....
Me : " Why should i change back ? Whats wrong with the spare tire ? "
Him : " U still ask ? U should know. "
....few seconds later.......
Him : " Some spare tires are different." ...angry
At that time i was angry , but i cant do anything cause i depend on him to live now. I know if i argue with him things will get worst. I dunno much about tires. I thought all the tires are the same. U shouldn't expect me to know things that i try for the first time. It was at night already, and i know i have to go take a look all the way down at the car park as I'm staying in a condominium. I take a look but i find that all the tires are the same, there's no difference. Then He called my phone, asked me about it and then asked me to come back up and do it tomorrow.
Through out the process, i was very angry. Feels like i have to obey him, whether right or wrong. Angry for him being inconsiderate. Its already at night , its the first time i do it and he left me alone to do it. Finally called me to go back up. I didn't bother him when i step into the house. It seems that he knows he was wrong, but couldn't control himself to do the right thing that time. But inside me, i know its cause he cares for me alot, just that not doing it the right ways in this kind of issue.
After that, I sit down , and think of myself. I had fights with my partner before, and the situation seems similar to this thing i had with my dad. Only the difference is, i play my dad's role in the quarrel with my partner. My partner was tired after working for a long time. She's often busy with her work. As for me, i always wanted to spend time with her. When she didn't manage to spend time with me, i would feel bad. I know i shouldn't take much of her time, but i just feel bad not able to talk to her for one day. When she go to some place to visit for few days, i would feel uneasy, cause i cant talk to her for few days. I would feel bad, i know i should let her go around to have fun, but i feel bad. So i end up having a fight with her many times. What is wrong with me ?
When it happens. She would feel bad and thinks that my demand on her is too much. As for me, I know I'm wrong, but at the same time i couldn't help to feel bad when i cant chat with her. I gave her stress, and she got angry with me, she didn't talk to me for awhile and didn't listen to anything i say.
Now when i look back, that's exactly what i wanted to do to my dad today after the tire issue. Only difference is i have no choice cause he's my dad and i depends on him to survive now, so i have to obey. But I'm treating my partner like this, i love her alot, but i didn't love her properly on this issue. When she's tired or travelling, I got worried about her, so i would call her many times to chat with her. I always end up talking long with her. As for her, she was busy with her work or travelling with friends, so she wont answer the phone or reply messages.
It is clear what my mistake is. When we love someone, let them spread their wings and fly. I've seen some people that have pet birds, in a bird cage. I always feel sorry for the bird, it has wings to fly, but got trapped in the cage.
.jpg)
I should let her spread their wings and fly happily.
My partner need to work and travel around for fun. My mistake was i always wanted to talk to her and know what she did everyday. This makes her feel like the bird in the cage, no freedom. At first i thought its ok for me to know how she is and what she did today. But she's busy and have many work to do. As a result, she didn't manage to speak much to me and i feel bad about it. We end up fighting and she talk even less with me. Turns out that she wanted to talk to me after long time no talk. But when she see me unhappy after long time no talk to her, we quarrel before she start telling me about her busy days or her travel experience.
There are many things in life we all need to learn. I won't stop learning everything and will continue to be a better person and lover. I learned to take care of my partner, let her spread her wings and fly. When she's tired of flying, she'll come right back for some rest and love. Come to think of it, My study have been bad lately, but i still wanted to spend time with her. Its clear that i shouldn't be like this. I should have spent more time on my studies, and talk to her on the correct time. She was doing right, while i reduced my time on other things for her which is wrong to do it now that everyone is young and studying. There's no wrong or right, but i wanted to be able to give my partner more freedom to spread her wings and fly. Not like the birds i saw that got trapped in the cage.
Spread your wings and fly my beloved.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Getting back on feet
Eveyone was once a young child. Running around, playing around the house. Chasing around with kids , bully or get bullied by others... I remember phrases i heard that time when i was young :
" When you fall down , get back up on ur feet "
" Never give up "
" Keep it up and one day u'll be great "
Phrases that lie burried in me.
So, everytime i fall down and injured while i was running, playing or something else, i try to stand back on my feet fast. I never give up on anything and i always believe one day i'll be able to do great things.
We face challenges in life, study become more important. I wanted to get myself good at study , i tried to work hard during highschool but was never really good. But one thing for sure, deep inside me, i just knew i'm good at it. I may be lazy that time, but inside my heart, i always know that one day, i will be great with my ideas flying around all the time. Its a little weird, seems that i just know it.
Maybe cause the way i think, things i wanted to achieve, basically through my whole life, I'm always fighting for something. For improvements in life, never give up on anything that i wanted to achieve.
I used to be a very fat young boy, I was 200 pounds !!!!! I always wanted to loose fats to look better cause i feel very bad about being fat, how i look and what others think of me. Its been a battle between me and my fats for 6 years. I never really work hard for it at first, i always give up after trying for few days. My parents feed me very well, i have no chance at all. Untill one day, i got a chance. I was in love with a girl , i blame at myself i wont be able to be with her cause i'm fat. Happens that time my family was away from me due to work in KL and i was all alone in my house with my uncle. It was perfect timing, I feed myself and i was determined to exercise to loose fats. Running and climbing stairs was my way to do it. The abbs machine i bought later on helped me alot as well.
I have to say, determination is a scary thing. When i was out of breath, so tired of running. Lactic acid filled my legs, i was sweating like bathing, i was wiped out by exhaution at the jogging track. I slowed down, gasped for air, and i start thinking.... How can i be tired so fast ? I'll never change if i'm tired already. Immediately after i that, some how, i started running again. still gasping for air. My heart was sad, I was crying from the inside, and so determined to change once and for all. A rush of adrenaline keeps me moving. I always run untill my limit.
In 2 months, my body got transformed. However, I didnt celebrate or feel happy at all. My heart cried everytime i go running. No one knows bout it , feel so lonely. I was all alone that time. I was so sad in that 2 months, practically given up on things, and lived a lonely life.
I learned something very precious which few people did.
" If i give everything i got, never give up, I'll ALWAYS be successful no matter what it is. "
However, after all those hard work and sadness inside my heart, i realised the most precious thing is i know i can achieve anything i want. As long as i have the heart, determination and never give up, i will make it.
I challenged myself to climb Mount Kinabalu after all the hardship, I was one of the fastest climber. Thats good enough evidence for me i've improved. I didnt feel happy at all. My heart was in the fighting mode, not able to enjoy anything that time. Maybe this is me, I'll improve when i'm feeling sad and lonely.
This was the first thing i achieved in my life. It gives me confidence and patience in doing anything. I went on to improve my study. I was shy at talking and social. I i worked hard to be instructor, so i would communicate with other people and hence better at communicating with other people.
Untill today, I often find myself fighting for something. And i realised there's something, no matter how hard i work for it, even if i dont give up, even if i put all my heart in it, I may not achieve it ..... Things just get harder .... And I'm getting little tired of all these struggling for improvements.
I hope everyone would believe and work hard for what we all wish. Everything is possible, some people may say things like : " Ur not meant to be like that " or " Just be urself ".
I learned to loose fat, study and social. I changed myself. Well, I'm still myself actually, and I like to work hard for the better , never give up. I still have things left i need to do it. One day, I'll put a rest for myself , I hope that day come soon. I hope i live a happy and relaxing life.
" When you fall down , get back up on ur feet "
" Never give up "
" Keep it up and one day u'll be great "
Phrases that lie burried in me.
So, everytime i fall down and injured while i was running, playing or something else, i try to stand back on my feet fast. I never give up on anything and i always believe one day i'll be able to do great things.
We face challenges in life, study become more important. I wanted to get myself good at study , i tried to work hard during highschool but was never really good. But one thing for sure, deep inside me, i just knew i'm good at it. I may be lazy that time, but inside my heart, i always know that one day, i will be great with my ideas flying around all the time. Its a little weird, seems that i just know it.
Maybe cause the way i think, things i wanted to achieve, basically through my whole life, I'm always fighting for something. For improvements in life, never give up on anything that i wanted to achieve.
I used to be a very fat young boy, I was 200 pounds !!!!! I always wanted to loose fats to look better cause i feel very bad about being fat, how i look and what others think of me. Its been a battle between me and my fats for 6 years. I never really work hard for it at first, i always give up after trying for few days. My parents feed me very well, i have no chance at all. Untill one day, i got a chance. I was in love with a girl , i blame at myself i wont be able to be with her cause i'm fat. Happens that time my family was away from me due to work in KL and i was all alone in my house with my uncle. It was perfect timing, I feed myself and i was determined to exercise to loose fats. Running and climbing stairs was my way to do it. The abbs machine i bought later on helped me alot as well.
I have to say, determination is a scary thing. When i was out of breath, so tired of running. Lactic acid filled my legs, i was sweating like bathing, i was wiped out by exhaution at the jogging track. I slowed down, gasped for air, and i start thinking.... How can i be tired so fast ? I'll never change if i'm tired already. Immediately after i that, some how, i started running again. still gasping for air. My heart was sad, I was crying from the inside, and so determined to change once and for all. A rush of adrenaline keeps me moving. I always run untill my limit.
In 2 months, my body got transformed. However, I didnt celebrate or feel happy at all. My heart cried everytime i go running. No one knows bout it , feel so lonely. I was all alone that time. I was so sad in that 2 months, practically given up on things, and lived a lonely life.
I learned something very precious which few people did.
" If i give everything i got, never give up, I'll ALWAYS be successful no matter what it is. "
However, after all those hard work and sadness inside my heart, i realised the most precious thing is i know i can achieve anything i want. As long as i have the heart, determination and never give up, i will make it.
I challenged myself to climb Mount Kinabalu after all the hardship, I was one of the fastest climber. Thats good enough evidence for me i've improved. I didnt feel happy at all. My heart was in the fighting mode, not able to enjoy anything that time. Maybe this is me, I'll improve when i'm feeling sad and lonely.
This was the first thing i achieved in my life. It gives me confidence and patience in doing anything. I went on to improve my study. I was shy at talking and social. I i worked hard to be instructor, so i would communicate with other people and hence better at communicating with other people.
Untill today, I often find myself fighting for something. And i realised there's something, no matter how hard i work for it, even if i dont give up, even if i put all my heart in it, I may not achieve it ..... Things just get harder .... And I'm getting little tired of all these struggling for improvements.
I hope everyone would believe and work hard for what we all wish. Everything is possible, some people may say things like : " Ur not meant to be like that " or " Just be urself ".
I learned to loose fat, study and social. I changed myself. Well, I'm still myself actually, and I like to work hard for the better , never give up. I still have things left i need to do it. One day, I'll put a rest for myself , I hope that day come soon. I hope i live a happy and relaxing life.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Love
Love... Its something that everyone fights for in life.
Everyone wants to be loved, cared, feels so nice to be loved. Especially when the person who we love, loves us too. It is a weird feeling, it has sad, sorrow, anger, happiness, hope, enjoyment,... all the feelings u can think of. Put them all together and u get love.
When we love someone, we would think of him/her alot. No matter what u do, where u are, how are u, there's always a part of ur mind thinking bout the one. We never get bored or tired of that. And wished that the person feel the same way too.
I was just like this, my love life was tough.
Back in high school, I was a fat and timid boy who has few friends. When i speak to girls, i would look down , wont dare to look at their eyes. There was this girl, who i loved since primary school, went to the same highschool as me. When she pass by, i would feel so nervous, when i pass by, i would try to look at her , but wouldn't dare to let her know i'm looking at her. It was an weird situation.
I never told her my feelings, i was too shy to do it. Later on, she got a bf, left me spending my days with jealous and sadness. Years passed and i still love her although we hardly speak.
I tried so hard to control my feelings toward her so that i can get on with my life and stop thinking bout her. When i finally manage to do that, over four years have passed. I thought that teen age love aren't suppose to last so long, i thought everyone was still young, wont be able to love or care for someone that much. Well... anything is possible....
I became a cold hearted person, who ignores feelings. I believed that no love will last forever and love doesnt matter cause it will die anyway. It was a sad thing for me to believe that time, which is just a cocoon to protect myself from sadness when i think of that girl i loved so much.
It took some time, to realise that what i did was just to stop myself loving her. I lied to my own feelings that i love her that time. Untill now, i still care for her , even though there's no chance we can be together. She never knew about how much a cared for her, and how i felt. It was a sad ending for me, I wish that next time, i can get a good ending.
No matter how, she will always remain in my heart.
Everyone wants to be loved, cared, feels so nice to be loved. Especially when the person who we love, loves us too. It is a weird feeling, it has sad, sorrow, anger, happiness, hope, enjoyment,... all the feelings u can think of. Put them all together and u get love.
When we love someone, we would think of him/her alot. No matter what u do, where u are, how are u, there's always a part of ur mind thinking bout the one. We never get bored or tired of that. And wished that the person feel the same way too.
I was just like this, my love life was tough.
Back in high school, I was a fat and timid boy who has few friends. When i speak to girls, i would look down , wont dare to look at their eyes. There was this girl, who i loved since primary school, went to the same highschool as me. When she pass by, i would feel so nervous, when i pass by, i would try to look at her , but wouldn't dare to let her know i'm looking at her. It was an weird situation.
I never told her my feelings, i was too shy to do it. Later on, she got a bf, left me spending my days with jealous and sadness. Years passed and i still love her although we hardly speak.
I tried so hard to control my feelings toward her so that i can get on with my life and stop thinking bout her. When i finally manage to do that, over four years have passed. I thought that teen age love aren't suppose to last so long, i thought everyone was still young, wont be able to love or care for someone that much. Well... anything is possible....
I became a cold hearted person, who ignores feelings. I believed that no love will last forever and love doesnt matter cause it will die anyway. It was a sad thing for me to believe that time, which is just a cocoon to protect myself from sadness when i think of that girl i loved so much.
It took some time, to realise that what i did was just to stop myself loving her. I lied to my own feelings that i love her that time. Untill now, i still care for her , even though there's no chance we can be together. She never knew about how much a cared for her, and how i felt. It was a sad ending for me, I wish that next time, i can get a good ending.
No matter how, she will always remain in my heart.
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