Loving and Learning

" Learning is an on going process and we should learn until we leave this world "
That's something which old people would advice young children to do back during those days. I for myself have always wanted to learn to be better person. It's an on going process which i hope i wont stop doing it. Reminds me of learning to be a better lover.

I'm the youngest child in my family. Both my parents are the type that always come home for dinner together , at home every night , and care for all their children. There are pros and cons being the youngest , we should all learn how to take advantage o our situation.

Being the youngest, I learned to see other people's mistake, particularly people older than me. But on the other hand, its hard for me to realise my own bad stuffs. And I i have the most influence from my family.

I'm driving a small car which my dad likes it alot. One of the tires got punctured by a nail few days ago. we changed it to the spare tire and i brought it to the workshop. Today, my dad asked me ,

Him : " Did u change back the original tire with the spare tire ? "
Me : " No. "
Him : " Why didn't u change back ? U should know that u have to change back. "

......silence for awhile cause he was angry......few seconds later....

Me : " Why should i change back ? Whats wrong with the spare tire ? "
Him : " U still ask ? U should know. "

....few seconds later.......

Him : " Some spare tires are different." ...angry

At that time i was angry , but i cant do anything cause i depend on him to live now. I know if i argue with him things will get worst. I dunno much about tires. I thought all the tires are the same. U shouldn't expect me to know things that i try for the first time. It was at night already, and i know i have to go take a look all the way down at the car park as I'm staying in a condominium. I take a look but i find that all the tires are the same, there's no difference. Then He called my phone, asked me about it and then asked me to come back up and do it tomorrow.

Through out the process, i was very angry. Feels like i have to obey him, whether right or wrong. Angry for him being inconsiderate. Its already at night , its the first time i do it and he left me alone to do it. Finally called me to go back up. I didn't bother him when i step into the house. It seems that he knows he was wrong, but couldn't control himself to do the right thing that time. But inside me, i know its cause he cares for me alot, just that not doing it the right ways in this kind of issue.

After that, I sit down , and think of myself. I had fights with my partner before, and the situation seems similar to this thing i had with my dad. Only the difference is, i play my dad's role in the quarrel with my partner. My partner was tired after working for a long time. She's often busy with her work. As for me, i always wanted to spend time with her. When she didn't manage to spend time with me, i would feel bad. I know i shouldn't take much of her time, but i just feel bad not able to talk to her for one day. When she go to some place to visit for few days, i would feel uneasy, cause i cant talk to her for few days. I would feel bad, i know i should let her go around to have fun, but i feel bad. So i end up having a fight with her many times. What is wrong with me ?

When it happens. She would feel bad and thinks that my demand on her is too much. As for me, I know I'm wrong, but at the same time i couldn't help to feel bad when i cant chat with her. I gave her stress, and she got angry with me, she didn't talk to me for awhile and didn't listen to anything i say.

Now when i look back, that's exactly what i wanted to do to my dad today after the tire issue. Only difference is i have no choice cause he's my dad and i depends on him to survive now, so i have to obey. But I'm treating my partner like this, i love her alot, but i didn't love her properly on this issue. When she's tired or travelling, I got worried about her, so i would call her many times to chat with her. I always end up talking long with her. As for her, she was busy with her work or travelling with friends, so she wont answer the phone or reply messages.
It is clear what my mistake is. When we love someone, let them spread their wings and fly. I've seen some people that have pet birds, in a bird cage. I always feel sorry for the bird, it has wings to fly, but got trapped in the cage.

I should let her spread their wings and fly happily.

My partner need to work and travel around for fun. My mistake was i always wanted to talk to her and know what she did everyday. This makes her feel like the bird in the cage, no freedom. At first i thought its ok for me to know how she is and what she did today. But she's busy and have many work to do. As a result, she didn't manage to speak much to me and i feel bad about it. We end up fighting and she talk even less with me. Turns out that she wanted to talk to me after long time no talk. But when she see me unhappy after long time no talk to her, we quarrel before she start telling me about her busy days or her travel experience.

There are many things in life we all need to learn. I won't stop learning everything and will continue to be a better person and lover. I learned to take care of my partner, let her spread her wings and fly. When she's tired of flying, she'll come right back for some rest and love. Come to think of it, My study have been bad lately, but i still wanted to spend time with her. Its clear that i shouldn't be like this. I should have spent more time on my studies, and talk to her on the correct time. She was doing right, while i reduced my time on other things for her which is wrong to do it now that everyone is young and studying. There's no wrong or right, but i wanted to be able to give my partner more freedom to spread her wings and fly. Not like the birds i saw that got trapped in the cage.

Spread your wings and fly my beloved.

Getting back on feet

Eveyone was once a young child. Running around, playing around the house. Chasing around with kids , bully or get bullied by others... I remember phrases i heard that time when i was young :

" When you fall down , get back up on ur feet "
" Never give up "
" Keep it up and one day u'll be great "

Phrases that lie burried in me.

So, everytime i fall down and injured while i was running, playing or something else, i try to stand back on my feet fast. I never give up on anything and i always believe one day i'll be able to do great things.

We face challenges in life, study become more important. I wanted to get myself good at study , i tried to work hard during highschool but was never really good. But one thing for sure, deep inside me, i just knew i'm good at it. I may be lazy that time, but inside my heart, i always know that one day, i will be great with my ideas flying around all the time. Its a little weird, seems that i just know it.

Maybe cause the way i think, things i wanted to achieve, basically through my whole life, I'm always fighting for something. For improvements in life, never give up on anything that i wanted to achieve.

I used to be a very fat young boy, I was 200 pounds !!!!! I always wanted to loose fats to look better cause i feel very bad about being fat, how i look and what others think of me. Its been a battle between me and my fats for 6 years. I never really work hard for it at first, i always give up after trying for few days. My parents feed me very well, i have no chance at all. Untill one day, i got a chance. I was in love with a girl , i blame at myself i wont be able to be with her cause i'm fat. Happens that time my family was away from me due to work in KL and i was all alone in my house with my uncle. It was perfect timing, I feed myself and i was determined to exercise to loose fats. Running and climbing stairs was my way to do it. The abbs machine i bought later on helped me alot as well.

I have to say, determination is a scary thing. When i was out of breath, so tired of running. Lactic acid filled my legs, i was sweating like bathing, i was wiped out by exhaution at the jogging track. I slowed down, gasped for air, and i start thinking.... How can i be tired so fast ? I'll never change if i'm tired already. Immediately after i that, some how, i started running again. still gasping for air. My heart was sad, I was crying from the inside, and so determined to change once and for all. A rush of adrenaline keeps me moving. I always run untill my limit.

In 2 months, my body got transformed. However, I didnt celebrate or feel happy at all. My heart cried everytime i go running. No one knows bout it , feel so lonely. I was all alone that time. I was so sad in that 2 months, practically given up on things, and lived a lonely life.

I learned something very precious which few people did.
" If i give everything i got, never give up, I'll ALWAYS be successful no matter what it is. "

However, after all those hard work and sadness inside my heart, i realised the most precious thing is i know i can achieve anything i want. As long as i have the heart, determination and never give up, i will make it.

I challenged myself to climb Mount Kinabalu after all the hardship, I was one of the fastest climber. Thats good enough evidence for me i've improved. I didnt feel happy at all. My heart was in the fighting mode, not able to enjoy anything that time. Maybe this is me, I'll improve when i'm feeling sad and lonely.

This was the first thing i achieved in my life. It gives me confidence and patience in doing anything. I went on to improve my study. I was shy at talking and social. I i worked hard to be instructor, so i would communicate with other people and hence better at communicating with other people.

Untill today, I often find myself fighting for something. And i realised there's something, no matter how hard i work for it, even if i dont give up, even if i put all my heart in it, I may not achieve it ..... Things just get harder .... And I'm getting little tired of all these struggling for improvements.

I hope everyone would believe and work hard for what we all wish. Everything is possible, some people may say things like : " Ur not meant to be like that " or " Just be urself ".
I learned to loose fat, study and social. I changed myself. Well, I'm still myself actually, and I like to work hard for the better , never give up. I still have things left i need to do it. One day, I'll put a rest for myself , I hope that day come soon. I hope i live a happy and relaxing life.

Love

Love... Its something that everyone fights for in life.

Everyone wants to be loved, cared, feels so nice to be loved. Especially when the person who we love, loves us too. It is a weird feeling, it has sad, sorrow, anger, happiness, hope, enjoyment,... all the feelings u can think of. Put them all together and u get love.

When we love someone, we would think of him/her alot. No matter what u do, where u are, how are u, there's always a part of ur mind thinking bout the one. We never get bored or tired of that. And wished that the person feel the same way too.

I was just like this, my love life was tough.

Back in high school, I was a fat and timid boy who has few friends. When i speak to girls, i would look down , wont dare to look at their eyes. There was this girl, who i loved since primary school, went to the same highschool as me. When she pass by, i would feel so nervous, when i pass by, i would try to look at her , but wouldn't dare to let her know i'm looking at her. It was an weird situation.

I never told her my feelings, i was too shy to do it. Later on, she got a bf, left me spending my days with jealous and sadness. Years passed and i still love her although we hardly speak.
I tried so hard to control my feelings toward her so that i can get on with my life and stop thinking bout her. When i finally manage to do that, over four years have passed. I thought that teen age love aren't suppose to last so long, i thought everyone was still young, wont be able to love or care for someone that much. Well... anything is possible....

I became a cold hearted person, who ignores feelings. I believed that no love will last forever and love doesnt matter cause it will die anyway. It was a sad thing for me to believe that time, which is just a cocoon to protect myself from sadness when i think of that girl i loved so much.

It took some time, to realise that what i did was just to stop myself loving her. I lied to my own feelings that i love her that time. Untill now, i still care for her , even though there's no chance we can be together. She never knew about how much a cared for her, and how i felt. It was a sad ending for me, I wish that next time, i can get a good ending.
No matter how, she will always remain in my heart.